Post by Charlie Freeman on Jan 4, 2018 15:56:55 GMT
A lady walked into a Police Station, the desk Sergeant said, "Can I help you ?”
"Yes," she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault."
"Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road," she replied.
"Can you describe what happened ?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me."
Could you give me a description of him ?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg."
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman," said the Sergeant.
"Yes," said the lady, "He was an English Cricketer '' "That's very observant," said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent ?"
"No," she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long."
Post by Roel de Vringer on Jan 8, 2018 20:52:37 GMT
Angela Merkel was on tour in the countryside during the elections, and visited a pigfarm. The attending press shot many photo's of her, but despite her plee not to print silly remarks, the photocaption read: Frau Merkel, 3rd from the left....
Post by Roel de Vringer on Jan 13, 2018 8:54:01 GMT
Here's another one to brighten up this rainy weekend..
A place in Heaven
Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven. Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”
God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”
Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight in the eye, and says, “I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my citizens.”
God can’t help but see the essential goodness of Obama, and offers him a seat to his left.
Then God turns to Hillary and asks, “And what do you believe in?”
Hillary calculates for a while and then says, “I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. Like Barack I believe in hard work. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I’ve always tried to be a true patriot and a loyal American.”
God is greatly moved by Hillary’s eloquence, and he offers her a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Trump and asks, “And you, Donald, what do you believe in?”
Donald replies, “I believe that, you are in my seat.”
Post by Charlie Freeman on Jan 16, 2018 13:39:11 GMT
NO SEX AFTER SURGERY.
A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied
"Mr Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
Post by Charlie Freeman on Jan 16, 2018 13:44:59 GMT
Just trying to keep everyone cheery whilst the weather is poor. Subject:Bath night at the convent
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, just do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly..
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun.
'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!’
A policeman in Sydney, Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic. He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".
The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note. On it was written: "This man suffers from chronic asthma - do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".
The policeman said "OK, then I need you to come and give a blood sample".
The man produced another letter. This one said: "This man is a haemophiliac - please do not cause him to bleed in any way".
So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".
The man produces a third letter from his pocket, which read: "This man plays cricket for England - please don't take the piss out of him".
Post by Roel de Vringer on Jan 16, 2018 17:30:39 GMT
A man in his early 50's had a great night out with the lads and stumbled home, way after midnight. When he got home he was in a fantastic mood and whilst singing loudly in the bathroom after brushing his teeth, he came into the maternal bedroom where his irritated wife was sitting upright in bed, complaining she couldn't sleep with all that noise!
He went back to the bathroom and came back with a glass of water and 2 asperines, saying: "Here, that's for your headache.." On which she replied: "But I don't have a headache!" The man just smiled and said: "Right!..."
Post by Charlie Freeman on Jan 17, 2018 10:51:26 GMT
Subject: THE PASTOR'S ASS
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in the local convent. The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead to the fields, where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES THAT HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Post by Eric Sabatier on Jan 18, 2018 19:43:33 GMT
A man if found of Brigitte Bardot (french sex symbol of the 60s) known as BB and think about her all the time. Want his wife to looks like her, dress like her, watching her film every evening.
His wife is annoyed but in love so she wants to please his beloved husband. She come with the idea to have his men's passion tatooed on his butt. With a nice "B" on each side to make for BB's initial. Quite excited she came in the evening in front of his man reading Bardot's biography. She leans forward, takes up his dress and reveal her naked butt with her brand new tatoo. His man look at that, puzzled, think for a moment and ask ....