English Humour

Another reputation gone to the dogs...

Angela Merkel was on tour in the countryside during the elections, and visited a pigfarm.
The attending press shot many photo's of her, but despite her plee not to print silly remarks, the photocaption read: Frau Merkel, 3rd from the left....

Mind you, the orange monstrosity would probably consider heaven to be a s**thole anyway ......

NO SEX AFTER SURGERY.

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied

"Mr Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."

Just trying to keep everyone cheery whilst the weather is poor.
Subject:Bath night at the convent



It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.





Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, just do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.



'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly..

Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'



'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun.

'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!’

A man in his early 50's had a great night out with the lads and stumbled home, way after midnight.
When he got home he was in a fantastic mood and whilst singing loudly in the bathroom after brushing his teeth, he came into the maternal bedroom where his irritated wife was sitting upright in bed, complaining she couldn't sleep with all that noise!

He went back to the bathroom and came back with a glass of water and 2 asperines, saying: "Here, that's for your headache.." On which she replied: "But I don't have a headache!"
The man just smiled and said: "Right!..."

Sounds familiar? I hope not...

RandY

Subject: THE PASTOR'S ASS

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that
he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey
in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered
the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in the local convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following
headline the next day:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted! He informed the Nun that she would
have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR £10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Nun to
buy back the donkey and lead to the fields, where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES THAT HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day!